I watch the patchwork farms'
Slow fade into the ocean's arms.
And from here, they can't see me stare,
The stale taste of recycled air.
Lately, I've come to the realization that I'm bothered when nothing is happening--when things become entirely stagnant. I'm not talking about boredom, exactly; in fact, I think I'm fairly easily contented. What I'm talking about is a complete stagnancy in life--a period of time when everything is just at a standstill.Slow fade into the ocean's arms.
And from here, they can't see me stare,
The stale taste of recycled air.
Admittedly, I'm a perfectionist, so I'm always looking for things to improve, whether they be things about myself, things around me, or even problems other people are having. I don't often feel like things in my life are entirely "settled," and that's okay. I enjoy having something on which I can focus: something to improve.
So, whenever everything is completely at rest--at peace, even--I really don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost when I can't satisfy these restless thoughts. Consequently, I often have a hard time relaxing because I'm always plagued with the thought that something needs to be done. Something needs to be improved. I feel lazy if I'm just sitting around while opportunities for improvement are lost. Very rarely do I actually lie back and rest--and if I do, I'm usually plagued with some degree of guilt--and, as many of you know, I'd sooner gouge out my eyes than take a nap during the day (even when functioning on frighteningly low amounts of sleep). It's not that I'm this amazingly productive person who can't stop until every bit of work is complete. I just feel restless. That's all.
So, is there a solution? Perhaps. The solution comes in the form of "mini-projects," for lack of a better term. Mini-projects encompass all sorts of things--from drawing a picture for someone to writing a note and sticking it in a friend's mailbox. Mini-projects are things I can do to make other people feel good; plus, doing so simultaneously makes me feel better. I've discovered that, if I give myself something to attend to--especially if that something involves improving someone else's day--when I really don't need to be attending to anything, I feel a whole lot better. I feel fulfilled.
Who knew fighting restlessness and improving peoples' lives could be so easy?
Alright, enough rambling for now. I have a small French composition to complete--something for me to improve, right?!
Ah. Je voudrais me blesser. :)
8 comments:
"Je voudrais me blesser."
Je n'espere pas! Mais, c'est tres amusant.
I'm currently sitting at my desk. It's 8:39 right now, and I don't really feel like going to Persuasion Theory.
I don't really feel like doing anything today. All I really want to do is sit around in a blanket, surrounded by friends as we just talk. No movie; no classes; nothing big, just talking with friends.
To be honest, I'm so apathetic to everything in life. I know exactly where you're coming from. It seems the only thing I'm interested in anymore is "thinking of you."
But I can't do that. I can't just sit around. I can't just accept apathy so blindly. I have things to do; things to work on; things to improve.
Despite the fact that I know you feel this way, you have this incredible ability to find joy and peace at almost moment in your life. For that, I commend you.
The thing I've realized is that life is sometimes hard to care about; hard to enjoy; hard to accept, and, sometimes, frankly, boring.
It's careless optimists like you, Andrew, that really make it better for all of us.
P.S.
I loved your post.
Andrew. <-- ha, yeah. I did it, too.
This post sounds strangely familiar. Excellent installment, by the way. Excellent way of summarizing that feeling.
:) Here's to mini-projects!
I don't have much else to say, but considering we've already discussed this for QUITE a while, I doubt you expect much.
Hmm..
This post is making me think a lot.
I'm going to hold off on saying anything until later, in a comment/entry or in discussion.
Andrew, this entry was truly thought-provoking for me. I often have a hard time convincing myself that it's "ok" not to be working on anything, which is pretty frustrating. I can not count how many times I have been "plagued with some degree of guilt" for not attending to the things that need attention in my mind.
I'm not really sure what kinds of things people usually write in a comment, so I'll conclude by complementing the post. It was very insightful. :)
wow, i feel the same restlessness sometimes, and you're so right. i totally agree that it's productive to work on improving someone else's life in small ways... and it satisfies the giver as well
I never fully commented on this post. And I didn't notice until now, but in the spirit of some of your other posts, Marjorie's comment strikes me as funny.. "but I doubt you expect much." Ha. Like I said, this post made me think a lot. I feel like I have the opposite problem! Maybe if we hung around each other more we would even out a bit! Anyways, mini-projects are great!
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