I'm a mess, I guess.
It's what I've asked for,
it's what I've needed.
It's what I've asked for,
it's what I've needed.
Sometimes, I wonder why I bog down my life with so many unattainable goals and expectations.
More and more, I'm realizing that I set a high bar for myself--perhaps too high. I've created this idealized self-image with certain rules that I must follow at all times. I know my personality--or at least my idealized personality--and I expect to be able to stay within the boundaries I've established. Always. I expect to remain constant, unwavering in the virtues that I hold so high. And I expect to be able to cope, to be able to sustain myself through any hardships, to be able to press onward, no matter what. I don't like showing weakness--and I'm not talking about physical or even mental weakness, mind you, but weakness of character. I'm talking about the weakness that inevitably emerges during times of duress, when we can no longer cope--the kind of weakness that makes people think less of us. This just doesn't fit in with the reality I've created for myself. I want to smile, to laugh, to be "fine" at all times. Not much to ask for, right?
Along the same vein, I idealize many of the people around me, and I set unrealistic expectations for them, as well--expectations that could not possibly be met. It's funny (that "oh, that's actually kind of sick" type of funny). I see myself doing this, and I remind myself that I've set my standards too high, but it doesn't matter. I constantly find myself surprised and even hurt when people inevitably fall short of my expectations for them--not by any fault of their own, but by the loftiness of these expectations. It's ridiculous, really...
I certainly hope this blog entry doesn't make me sound horribly arrogant (although maybe I am...who knows?). I'm just too idealistic. Despite the sarcasm and cynicism that I employ from time to time, I've always been inwardly optimistic. I expect things to go well--flawlessly, even. And they rarely do. It's not that things are bad by any means; they're just not as good as I tend to expect, and, thus, I'm often disappointed.
It's stupid and naive, really. I don't know why I let myself get caught up in these fantastic expectations of myself and of others. Maybe, for a while at least, I'll try coming back down to earth.
Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Seems that I'm still waiting for the sun.
Destination: beautiful.
Seems that I'm still waiting for the sun.
3 comments:
I guess it's awkward that I talked to you about this BEFORE leaving a rather vague, impersonal comment, like so.
Oh well.
Um. I completely resonate. It's something I struggle with quite a bit. I would go into more detail...but I'm sure that will happen at some later point when you're not running the world (aka the Homecoming festivities)
I like this post.
I feel very similar, quite often. We need to walk tonight so I can talk with you about it.
I too like this post. I'm not sure that it's necessarily a bad thing that you look at things that way though; it's just another way of viewing things. Very interesting. I think I fluctuate between optimism and pessimism; either I think something will go horribly, horribly wrong, or I think that it will go perfectly and everyone will be singing and dancing around.
And I have to say, that's my favorite Mae song ever.
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