Please Remain Seated

All I see is a beautiful, little town in the midst of magnificent mountains--a place where people have hopes and dreams, even under the hardest conditions.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how latently optimistic I am.  Although it's a trait that I typically veil under sarcasm or cynicism, this optimism flows through my thoughts and ideas, lacing everything with a sort of misguided perfection.  When I envision a future event, I envision it to be flawless, despite the fact that I often voice some degree of negativity to the people around me.  Inwardly, though--and this is something I rarely express--I simply fail to grasp the idea that things might not go the way I've planned.  Some part of me always says, "it will work out in the end."  And it often does...  The problem is that I can't even imagine a less-than-perfect outcome.  I can't imagine it.  And that's what scares me.

Grace paused. And while she did, the clouds scattered and let the moonlight through, and Dogville underwent another of those little changes of light. It was if the light, previously so merciful and faint, finally refused to cover up for the town any longer. Suddenly you could no longer imagine a berry that would appear one day on a gooseberry bush, but only see the thorn that was there right now.

As a result of this intrinsic optimism, it often takes a lot to disillusion me; however, when the disillusionment finally hits, it hits me hard, and I can rarely pick myself back up afterward.  Consequently, I tend to shun things--and people--that have disillusioned me.  If my vacation to Florida wasn't all I hoped it would be, I'll avoid thinking about it entirely--perhaps even disregard the photos that I took during the trip.  If Jane wasn't overly enthusiastic about the gift I gave her, I'll never speak about it again...and I'll probably avoid Jane for the next few days.  In fact, I might even view Jane in a negative light for quite some time.

What's the old adage about time healing all wounds?  Personally, I've never found that to be true.  I dwell on things that bother me, and I never really let them go.  Thanks to my optimisim-disillusionment cycle, I'm constantly disappointed when things don't go quite as well as I've planned (which is usually the case); then, I distract myself with optimism about other future events until I'm inevitably let down again.  It's deranged, really, although I suppose we all do it to a certain extent.

I'm sure I've touched on this before in my various blog posts, but part of me wishes that I were just completely negative all the time.  I wish I would always expect the worst possible outcome.  After all, if someone says they're mad at you, and you expect them to destroy you and slaughter all of your kin, but then they only punch you in the face, you'll probably end up feeling a delightful sense of gratitude, right?  Well...maybe not.  But I think you see my point.

Anyway, it seems that there's no easy solution here.  The optimism feels great while it lasts, and then the disillusionment sucks.  But I guess there's a price to pay for everything, isn't there?