Twilight

Well, I really wasn't sure if I would ever find myself back on this website, typing my thoughts into this little, white text box. I can't say I'm certain, even now, what drew me back here... I think maybe it's the idea that blogging allows me to write--to record my thoughts and expend some creativity--without feeling the pressure or the need to actually accomplish anything. I guess it's glorified journaling, really.

Blogging has always presented an interesting dilemma for me, though...because unlike journaling, blogging allows other people to read me thoughts. I'm not simply rambling off things in a little book for the sole purpose of clearing my mind. I'm sharing. I'm opening up a part of myself. And, being the fairly reserved person that I am, that's not always the most appealing idea to me.

So, of course, this becomes a problem. I'm reluctant to make these entries overly personal...but I feel like there's very little point in blogging at all if I'm going to hold back all of my thoughts and feelings about things. So, I constantly find myself at the junction of "this is too personal for me to post online" and "this is so impersonal that it wasn't even worth writing."

I guess the real issue, though, is that I'm so concerned with what I might be revealing about myself in these blog entries that I lose focus on why I'm even writing at all. Instead of using this blog as a means of catharsis, I often find it to be draining because I'm so determined to be insightful and witty without ever actually letting my guard down. So, then, "no pressure" writing quickly transforms into "maximum pressure" writing...and, frankly, that's no fun.

The funny part, though (and I use the word "funny" very loosely here), is that I'm not really sure what I'm so determined to conceal. I can never pinpoint why I've built so many walls or what exactly they're protecting. I mean, I suppose you can chalk it up to my personality traits--I'm an introvert, always and forever--but there's more to it than that. Trust issues? Maybe. But I suppose that's a whole new set of problems for a future entry...

Either way, I'm vowing in this entry that blogging for me will no longer be a struggle. I'm not going to create deadlines for myself, I'm not going to strive for some unattainable degree of insight in each entry, and I'm not going to fret over whether I've said too much...or too little for that matter.

The real reason I bother to write down my thoughts at all--whether it be in a journal or on a website--is just to understand myself better. Maybe there isn't a wonderful transition between each different idea, maybe I'm not saying anything new, and maybe very little of this makes sense--or interests you--at all.

But that's okay.

So, essentially, you've been warned. I don't have any idea what I'll be writing here in the future...or how often I'll even be posting an entry...but I feel much better about it already. And that's what really counts, right?

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops, I remember
There was snow, white snow.

Clearly, I remember
From the windows, they were watching
While we froze down below.