It’s nice to be needed, plain and simple. This is something I really haven’t given much thought—perhaps because it’s a bit of an intrinsic character trait—but I’ve realized lately just how much I enjoy when people depend on me. I like doing favors for my friends—even simple, unappealing tasks like taking out the trash or cleaning up a room. Obviously, I don’t love splashing around in large piles of garbage (though I assume that most people do)…but completing these chores for someone else feels very rewarding to me.
So, why is this, exactly? Well, thanks to an in-depth analysis of my personality (thank you, Myers-Briggs!), I’ve shed a bit of light on the answer:
“ISFJs [my personality type] are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their ‘need to be needed.’ In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them…”
I’ve never really thought that about myself before, but I think there is some truth to it. I enjoy helping other people with their problems, but I can’t stand asking for favors myself. It makes me feel selfish and lazy, even though I know I’m entitled—and always welcome—to ask for favors from my friends; however, there’s something vexing about someone wanting to pay me back or “return the favor.” It’s not that I don’t appreciate it… It’s just not something I desire.
Now, that’s not to say that I enjoy being used as a doormat, either (I assume that’s fairly obvious). As previous blog entries will tell you, I do appreciate a simple “thanks” for my efforts. But, in terms of receiving some kind of tangible means of repayment, I’d just rather not. I think people sometimes feel guilty when they ask me for things because they don’t want to take advantage of this fact, but they really shouldn’t. I don’t mind.
Perhaps I should also clarify that I’m mainly talking about my close friends in these situations—people who I trust and for whom I care. It’s not that I’m unwilling to help people I dislike or don’t know, but my friends are the ones for whom I will gladly inconvenience myself on a regular basis.
I guess what I’m trying to say, really, is “ask me for things.” Obviously, the request must be somewhat reasonable (“Hey, Andrew, I forgot my favorite shirt back at my house in California… Can you walk there and get it for me?” is not going to fly.), but I really do want to help.
Ultimately, I hope this blog entry doesn’t make me sound like I’m proclaiming, “Hey, I like to help others and I’m a great person!” That’s not what I’m saying at all. In its most basic form, perhaps this request is really quite selfish; I want to feel needed and fulfilled by helping others. In the end, maybe I’m just seeking personal satisfaction. Perhaps it’s even some sort of deranged form of masochism. Nothing would really surprise me.
Anyway, I digress.
If you want something from me, just ask. I’d be more than willing to help.
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2 comments:
Perhaps this is one reason you're clinging to the ISFJ type?
I know what you mean, though. I feel exactly the same way about helping close friends...I've learned to accept help a bit more readily, though.
I'll try to remember that you enjoy helping friends out...and try not to stick to my own desire not to bother anyone...no promises, though.
If nothing else, listening to me talk is doing me a favor, and you've got that down :)
I like to be needed as well; I think we all do in some sense. I think some are just more secure in knowing that they are needed and appreciated than others. This is something I struggle with sometimes, feeling unneeded, or not smart enough or talented enough to fit in. I do take pleasure in helping people out as well. But this raises a whole other topic. Do we actually like it because we are helping them out? Or do we just do it to make us feel good about ourselves, therefore what seems selfLESS is actually selfISH? Is it humanly possible to do something good without seeking some kind or reward or self-satisfaction?
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